I, who have nothing

I was never serious about studying back when I was a school student. I never studied at home and I barely ever complete my homework. However, the first three year in the secondary school was nothing to be compared to my remaining two years, in which I took up course majoring in science and I hit rock bottom and experienced several breakdowns.

At that time, going to school was painful for me that I had to cry myself out and most of the time I could not bring myself to go to school at all. Thinking back at those days, I still gets teary-eyed and my heart ached so much. If anyone ever asked me the one time in my whole life that I want to change, I would say I want to change that experience and become a stronger and diligent person. Yet, I am scared at that idea, as I am not confident that past can be changed that easily. I may not have the strength to face the same monster once again.

Instead of facing off with my past, I want to continue living in my present with my best strength. After going through that experience, I promised myself I will not fall into the same pit of hell. I promised myself I will be stronger. I promised myself that I will never miss my classes no matter how bad my anxiety had gotten. My life was much better since then.

I looked at the brighter side of my life in the past and amidst all the subjects that I kept failing to score well, English was my pride. I remembered the time I applied for university, I placed English and TESL in all of my options. I have nothing else with me except for English. I was confident I can enter any university with my English and it turned out I was rejected by all of them. I was broken-hearted, certainly. I felt betrayed and I promised myself I will stop holding on too tightly on it.

I pursued Business as my major course in a pre-university program and took my study seriously. My minor was the study of my native language and I have never felt such fun in studying before. During the season for university application, I placed business in all of my options except for one, out of respect for my mother and the course was TESL.

Fate is a funny thing because I was accepted into the TESL course which I had turned bitter about.

My heart thumps hard as I write this but I wish I hadn’t taken this course right from the start. The one thing I took pride of, the one thing I hold preciously within my heart all these years, has lost its shining light. I met people whose English are better than mines. I met people whose English was spoken as easy as their native language. I met these people who are better than me in many aspects and I can no longer say English is my pride.

The more I speak the language, I realized that it is getting worst. My grammar is getting off, I can’t pronounce the words properly anymore, I cannot write as well as I had written in the past, I had to think of the sentences before I can speak, and it does not come as naturally as before anymore. I hate myself whenever I hear my own English. I cannot stand listening to my own English. I cannot bear speaking English in front of others yet I still have to because I am a teacher in-training now and it made me even more insecure.

It has been six years and I can’t believe I am now standing on the line of another monster I need to face. As I think about it again and again, the monster seems like a soft wind passing by yet my heart felt this uneasiness that a terrible storm is hiding behind.

I do not want to be defeated! I have promised myself that I will not get defeated anymore.

I want to improve my standings right now. I want to become better in everything I do!

Today, I watched Hanyu’s new world record and I cannot contain my amazement towards his fighting spirit and determination to become the better version of his past self. His skating is giving me new hope to make improvements on my weaknesses as I look at the difficulty of his jumps and his beautiful transitions. The times he was frustrated with his own performance and instead of getting discouraged, the mistakes flared him to do a better job in the next program. He masters the jumps one by one without skipping any of them and improve himself step by step yet consistently. He is always in a constant battle against himself to reach a level of satisfaction. Hanyu expressed in one interview that man should set a limit to themselves and that is to go over their own ideal.

I, who have nothing have had an ideal that I want to reach in my life. I must reach that ideal and be prepared to go over my own limitation and against my weaknesses to be able to become the person I can be proud of.

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