If I Ruled the World

My biggest fear is speaking in front of an audience.

The feeling of having several pairs of eyes looking at my direction,watching every single of my movements and making their own judgement towards my gestures and attitude is nerve-wrecking.

Every change of expressions affects how well I can stand there and teach. Happy and looking-forward faces encouraged me to be cheerful and do a better job, decrease the anxiety and gives me the sense of comfort. However, a stoic and poker face with full of thoughts eyes heighten the anxiety, open the spaces for me to over-think as I teach and increased my fidget-tings.

The best moment is when you see them change from poker face to an encouraging expressions. The worst of them all is when you see their expressions are changing from a smiley face to a wrinkled forehead.

You know you have done something wrong but you don’t know what it is or how to correct it or it has been too late to fix the problem.

As I stood in front of my friends, my hands and feet were cold, I was sweating, and my heart beats relentlessly. My stomach was churning and I was stuttering as I speak. I was sure that I looked awful in front. I stated it in my teaching reflection, expressing my lack of confidence.

However, I was complimented for showing a confident outlook in front of my students during the next macro-teaching that I had. I was very surprised to get the compliments especially since it came from different people including my lecturer and my friends. It was the best compliment I have ever received in these 23 years of life I’ve lived. It was a big favor they have done to me, a socially awkward individual. In fact, I have received nothing else but compliments from them after my teaching and it certainly boosted my self-confidence. It was unexpected but heart-warming.

Talk about unexpected, I really did not expect that I will be a smiley kind of teacher. In daily basis, I do not smile much to people, especially if I am not familiar with the people. I do not smile when I am anxious as well but unexpectedly, I can teach with a wide smile on. Is it because I was teaching my friends, people who are familiar to me and combined with the feeling of awkwardness and embarrassment, I could not help myself but to smile? I will not know the answer until I actually teach real students and see it for myself.

Now that I think about it, we never really knows who we really are. Sometimes, we underestimate ourselves too much that we cannot see our real potential. Sometimes, we surprised ourselves when we completed a task we thought we can never do. Maybe all this while I can actually speak in front of a crowd but I let myself lose to my fear and sustain myself from trying out new things.

In fact, I have been changing myself bit by bit for the better nowadays, not only as preparation to become a teacher but as a better person as a whole. The biggest accomplishment I have ever made is certainly eating vegetables. I HATE vegetables so much. I never remember myself eating vegetables happily since I was little.

During the process of liking vegetables, I had to eat them with other food such as hiding it under the rice and eat them together. Now, I can have them without the accompany of other food. It is certainly a huge progress for me. My resolution is finally checked after many years have past.

겁 없이 무대 위를 걸어다니지

 

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